Fertility Counseling
Choosing the Best Counselor for You
A pre-requisite to IVF treatment at my fertility clinic is to complete fertility counseling. My clinic provided a list of recommended counselors, and I researched a number of them located nearest to me. I selected Reina Zatylny MSW, RSW based on her personal and professional experience, as well as many positive online reviews.
As her website bio says, Reina experienced infertility in her life, and she understands the wide range of feelings that people face when they are having difficulty conceiving their child or are experiencing pregnancy loss. The counselling that Reina provides can help support people during this difficult time. Reina also conducts counselling sessions with egg donors, sperm donors, and surrogates. It was her experience working with all sorts of people involved in the process that drew me to Reina.
We scheduled an online appointment and chatted for an hour. Please note this was just my experience, and I’m sure everyone’s experiences with a fertility counselor will be different, depending on your personal needs and time required to explore issues and feelings.
Preparing and Reflecting
As I prepared for my appointment, I reflected a lot on the previous work I’d done when I was on my journey to adopt a child. Through that process I completed 12 weeks of training and reflection exercises, ranging in topics from trauma and loss to attachment and child development. Over the past few years I’ve spent a significant amount of time reflecting on why I want to be a parent, considering the benefits of openness in building a family through adoption or donor IVF, and understanding my individual strengths and weaknesses. I was glad to have completed all that “work” before chatting with Reina.
Sitting Down to Chat
Our session started with me sharing my journey to parenthood. She sounded surprised to hear that my journey began in 2014, when I first started looking into adoption. I shared with her the ups and downs I’ve experienced since then… all the things that impacted my motherhood timeline in some way: job loss; going back to school; the death of my parents; moving across the country; starting a new job; re-starting the adoption process in a new province; the lengthy process to complete adoption home study; and finally the painful realization that there just aren’t very many children in Ontario who are waiting to be adopted. I explained that I felt that time was running out, and that I needed to forge a new path to motherhood.
Practical Questions & Suggestions
Reina was very supportive and a wonderfully empathetic listener. But beyond that, she had some very practical questions and suggestions for me. First, she wanted to hear about how I was going to approach selecting my egg and sperm donors. I explained that my #1 criteria was that both donors be “Open ID”, which means that if there is a birth, the child would have access to the donor’s information upon their 18th birthday. One of my biggest take-aways from my adoption training was the importance of openness. The opportunity for children to know their biological history, and to potentially have contact with donors if that is something the child wants. This is critical for healthy development and secure attachments. Another suggestion that Reina made, was to ensure I register my baby with the Sibling Registry through both the egg and sperm banks. With the idea of openness in mind, being on the registry will allow my child to connect with potential siblings born from the same donor(s).
Epigenetics
Reina also pressed me to talk about how I feel about not sharing any DNA with my child. I have no issues with this and pointed to my previous plans to adopt a child – in that instance we would not have shared DNA either.
She suggested some readings on the topic of epigenetics by Dr. Thomas Verny. Epigenetics is an emerging area of scientific research that shows how environmental influences – a child’s experiences – actually affect the expression of their genes. The different experiences children have rearrange their chemical marks known as the “epigenome”. Which is all to say, I may not share DNA with my child, but the experiences I create for and share with my child will in fact impact how their genes are expressed, and how the child develops. It’s fascinating stuff!
Feelings on being a BOIM
We talked more about my feelings about becoming an older, single mother. I reflected on the pros and cons:
Pros:
I am more mature and secure than I would have been as a young mother: financially, emotionally, professionally
I’ve already invested in myself, and done the things I dreamed of (e.g. graduate school, traveling, socializing, relationships)
I have a lot of love and experience to share
I have more patience now than I did when I was younger
I’ve learned a lot about child development, special needs, attachment, communication and parenting through my adoption training – this is all relevant to being a parent in general
I’ve been through a number of difficult things in my life that have built resiliency
I am comfortable and confident in my abilities and my independence
Cons:
Keeping up with a toddler might have been easier when I was in my 20s, and if I was thinner
I will be older than all of the other parents at my kid’s school, etc (will I be accepted?)
Life expectancy and time with my child (we would have had more time together if I’d had a baby in my 20s)
Judgement from others… which I don’t really care about, but perhaps my child will?
Feeling Confident
As our session came to an end, Reina said that she thinks I’ll be a great parent. She had no concerns and was happy to write a favourable report to submit to my fertility clinic. I left the appointment feeling even more confident in my decision, and the new path that I’m on. I truly valued this opportunity to talk it all through with an expert.
Step 1 – check!
Total Costs to Date:
$265 Fertility Counseling
$265 Total costs to date (CAD$)
