Week 8 - When To Share
A Well-Timed Announcement
Timing. They say it’s everything. A well-timed announcement elicits joy and excitement about a baby’s impending arrival. Many parents-to-be are careful not to share their news too soon, for fear of the worst case scenario. I just read a story where the Mom-to-be didn’t tell anyone she was expecting, caught her friends and family completely by surprise, and then had to deal with an onslaught of prying questions and hurt feelings.
Let’s be clear. The decision on whether to share, when to share, and what information to share rests solely with the parent(s)-to-be. Full stop.
As an indie Mom-to-be (i.e. single person), I get to make these decisions all on my own. In some ways, it’s maybe more challenging for us indies. We’re aware of the risk in sharing to soon. But we also want to share our excitement with loved ones, loop people in so they can support us, and generally share our journey with others as it unfolds, just as other Mom’s-to-be might do with their partners.
My Perspective Anticipating an Adoption
My perspective has somewhat changed since my path has veered from adoption to having a baby via donor eggs and sperm. When I began the adoption journey, I first shared my plans with close friends and family for two reasons. First, I wanted their support. Second, I wanted to help prepare these people to also welcome a new youngster into our fold. Adoptees have been through life-changing experiences of grief/loss/trauma and it was important for me to ensure my family and friends were aware of these special needs and could support us through the inevitable ups and downs.
Then my excitement got the better of me, and I shared my adoption plans broadly in my annual Christmas card! I was so sure that my adoption plans would materialize quickly and wanted to shout my joyous news from the rooftops. Then an entire year passed with no adoption, and before I knew it I was sending another Christmas card adoption update. Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t shared my plans so widely at that point. Lesson learned! I’m already dreading this year’s Christmas card… still no adoption, and maybe a pregnancy announcement instead? People are bound to think I’m crazy. I don’t particularly care what people think, but my plan this time is to not announce anything, until there’s actually a sure-thing something to announce! And even then, I might continue to guard my secret for a while…
It’s OK to Keep the Circle Small
So what do I do with all of my excitement? How do I seek out that support and community that new Moms-to-be seek and deserve? I’m leaning on my nearest and dearest. I have kept my sister and a very small group of close friends in the loop. These people support me and challenge me, and have been a part of my journey to motherhood from the very start. They are there to support me, listen to me, challenge me (in the most respectful of ways), soothe my fears, and share their own fertility/pregnancy/parenting experiences with me.
This small handful of people understands how much I want to be a Mom. They know what a great Mom I’ll be. They will be there for me through my pregnancy, or through the crushing disappointment of a failed transfer. For good, or bad, they’ll be there. Those are the people I’m sharing with for now. Until there is something more concrete to share, this small handful of beautiful souls will be bombarded by my joy and excitement!
I’ve also found some online Mom groups to join. There’s a great one specifically for Moms over 40, which has been so helpful to me already. These groups can help you feel like you’re part of a community, and reading posts from other older Moms gives you a glimpse into what might be coming down the road. So get online, and search out the groups that seem like a good fit for you. You’re in control of how much or how little you participate, but there will always be a group of supportive women available to help answer questions or share your thoughts and feelings with!
